32×22: New Year’s Resolutions

Every year the list gets longer and gets harder to fill. Also, I’m running out of things to make a list of. But it’s an annual tradition and I’ll feel like I’ve failed myself if I don’t do it so here I go…

This year’s list is about my new resolutions and goals. Some are short-term (meaning I hope to accomplish in a year or three) and some are long-term (which I hope I get to accomplish before I die). I don’t know if I can cover the list but this definitely covers all aspects of my life. So without further ado, here is my 32×22 list:

Resolutions:

1. To sleep early. I’ve been adjusting my sleeping patterns for the last 5 years to earlier than it was. Hopefully this year I’ll manage to sleep at 10pm.

2. Exercise. I used to exercise regularly but for the past year, I’ve been lazy. And I really wanted to bring myself back in shape. I realized last LGUlympics how easily I got tired of a short run.

3. Eat healthily. I have a really bad diet. This is a big goal for me.

4. Limit coffee to once a day. It’ll be tough but I should be able to endure it.

5. Gain weight. I should ask Maymay Entrata how she managed her 10 kilos in a year. It sounded like a miracle. I know you’ll say I just need to eat plenty but believe me, gaining weight is not that easy.

6. Avoid retail therapy. Should I delete my online shopping apps? It’ll be hard but I’ll try to avoid them.

7. Extend my patience. I’m actually a very patient person even if a lot of people will not agree with it. I guess I have to work more on it.

8. Get back to reading. I’m so sad I haven’t hit my reading goals last year and probably this year. I’m just not in the mood to read a lot these days. 😭

9. Get back to blogging. I miss it. I’ll get around to doing it again one day.

10. Get back to writing. I feel like I’m not totally me anymore since I stopped doing this. But I made plans already and decided I’ll start with baby steps. I’ll be putting up my Wattpad soon. I decided to make some sort of an online diary where I tell about my days. I don’t care if nobody reads it as long as I write it.

11. Get back to drawing. I don’t even have the talent, I know but I love it and it helps me relax and destress. It eases my mind and maybe I’m so stressed because I don’t do it anymore.

12. Meet with friends. This may sound so simple but as I’m living so far away, this is really getting hard. I miss having friends.

Here are my short-term and long-term goals for my physical mental and spiritual well-being…

13. Travel to a place I’ve never been to before alone. Maybe in 2021 or 2022.

14. Have Lasik surgery before my 35th year ends.

15. Travel to Japan and/or Korea before 2025.

16. Celebrate my birthday by doing a charity event for kids. Feeding Children, Teaching out-of-school children, Technically I am hoping to spend it by making children happy and maybe make that an annual thing.

17. Be part of a cause. I mean officially be part of a cause. I don’t know which yet but probably something to do with children.

18. Encourage people at my church to have the same courage and confidence that I have in serving Him. Not because I’m good but because I am willing and I know that to Him that is all that matters.

19. To teach and inspire my young brethren not only to be good kids as they grow up but to be good leaders as well.

20. Buy/Build a house.

21. Learn to drive. I want to add, buy a car. But the truth is, I want to learn to drive but I don’t really want to drive. Just imagining being on the road makes me nervous. So…

22. Save a million pesos before I’m fifty.

23. Donate blood. I’m underweight so I can’t. I’d been dreaming of doing this since college but I simply can’t.

24. Have a tattoo. I think my religion is forbidding me to get one. But I really want to experience it. Will God punish me for wanting it? This one makes me feel like I’m such a rebel.

25. Meet my online friends. At least one of them if not all of them. There was a phase in my life when they’ve been a great help. I probably wouldn’t be this fine if I didn’t meet them. So I want to meet some of them in person.

26. Learn to bake. Or learn to cook a dish. Or something that is not my thing. I don’t know if I can but I should at least try.

27. Have a check-up. It sounds simple but this is something I should have done months ago but I keep putting it off. I hate going to the hospital. I may be old enough but I guess I’m not adult enough.

28. Buy an alarm clock. You probably wonder why. It’s because I said about a month ago that I should put my phone away before bed. But I cannot do it because it’s my alarm. Lame excuse right? And it’s also a lame part of the list because I’m running out of things to add to this.

29. ….

30. ….

31. ….

32. ….

I couldn’t think of anything more right now but I’m sure I’m forgetting something. So allow me to leave this space and get back to it one of these days.

For now… this is the end of this year’s annual tradition.

31X22: Let’s Talk About Relationships

Every year, fewer and fewer people remember my birthday. No. I don’t think it’s because lesser people love me. It’s more like people are getting older and are getting pretty bad at remembering occasions. How did I know? Because when I woke up today, I didn’t even remember that today is my birthday. So from the bottom of my heart, I am really thankful for all the people who never forget that today is a special day for me.

For the past ten years, every time this day comes it has been obligatory for me to write a blog. From Friendster, to Multiply, to Facebook, then a few years ago I started posting it on my blog site. Last year, I was so busy adjusting to a new life that I didn’t get the chance to write something. This year, I don’t want to make that excuse again. That’s why I tried so hard to think about what to write about. Usually, do it by listing stuff. Like facts about myself, things I like, people who made in fact in my life. But as I am getting older, the list that I need to fill gets longer. I don’t think I can do that anymore. So this year, I thought of doing it differently. Still, the bigger question was, what about? I jokingly said that maybe I should talk about love. But I can’t cause I’m no expert. Well, I’m not really an expert at anything. In the end, I decided to do relationships instead. Not romantic relationships per se, but all sorts of relationships with people.

With that, this year, I give you:  THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

1. FAMILY. Let me quote from one of my favorite books a few words that based on my observation of mine and those around me pretty much describe what family relationships are like. Hermes from Rick Riordan’s book Sea of Monsters said,   “Families are messy. Immortal families are eternally messy. Sometimes the best we can do is to remind each other that we’re related for better or for worse…and try to keep the maiming and killing to a minimum.”

 Of course, we don’t really want to get to the maiming and killing part because (1) that’s a sin. (2) Unlike Hermes (from the story) none of us are immortal. But the rest of the words are pretty accurate for every family. We all have misunderstandings. My older sister and I are like Tom and Jerry half the time even at this age. But still, that doesn’t discount the fact that we love each other and that I know I’ll have her back anytime I need it. And vice versa. There are those who we sometimes wish, we could be detached in our lives and forget we’re family at all but still when tough times come we forget about all the animosity and are willing to lend that hand. No family is perfect. But you can never deny that you are related for better or for worse.

2. FRIENDSHIPS. For me, friends are families sent to us by God through a different set of parents. Throughout the years, I met a lot of people. But unlike your blood-related families, these people can sever ties from you any time they want. The most important lesson I’ve learned about friendship is that you can be at your worst and the true ones will remain by your side. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other. Or how many trials you both went through together. Friendship is a fragile thing. I found myself losing friends because I don’t want to take sides in quarrels among my friends. The one remained and understood that I can’t go between whatever is going on between them, and the other felt like I was fraternizing with the enemy and removed me from their life. Of course, there are also those who you go a long period without talking but once you do, nothing changes between the two of you.

Another thing I’ve learned about friendship, being best friends doesn’t have to be a mutual thing. Of course, it would totally be a blessed thing if both of you feel the same. But I realized that it’s okay if I consider someone as my best friend even if I am not the best for her.

And with today’s technology, I even learned that one’s friendship could mean so much to you even if you haven’t them in person (hello to my online friends across the globe).

3. WORKMATES AND COLLEAGUES Many people don’t know but I’m not really a people person. If I have a choice, I’ll take a job that does not involve talking with anyone at all. I guess it was partly because I was bullied, back-stabbed, betrayed, and cheated a lot during my formative years I didn’t really develop a sense of trust for people. Adulting 101 though involves going out of your comfort zone. That’s why through the years, I have tried so much to adjust myself. I’m really thankful to all the people who extended their patience for me until slowly I develop confidence within me.

There was a time in one of the places where I’ve worked when I felt everyone was against me. I even heard rumors flying around. One very wise stranger told me, “Don’t keep it to heart. Maybe they are envious. Or scared of you. Scared you might take their job. I know it’s hard to take it in now but you gotta be strong and patient. Along the way, they would forget they ever did that to you. Or that they even said things about you. If you take it to heart, you would always feel and think negative about them. Just give it your best all the time. If they see that you are not out to get them and that you are just like them doing their best to survive the tide you would eventually earn their trust and respect. It’s always hard to be the new guy at any workplace. But if you keep in your heart any ill feelings, you would strain your working relationship even before you get started.”

These words really helped me survive a lot of months. And the stranger was right. I was so stressed bottling up my emotions but in the end, everything work out. Along the way, the people who I felt were against me eventually supported me in my journey and even became my allies when things got bad. The stranger does know what he was talking about. I even learned to deal with people better. Today, at my current workplace, it helped me to extend patience I didn’t even know I have so that I can talk to people even at times  I don’t feel like it. Of course, I also have those moments when I lose my patience. And people do talk when I do. But it’s okay. What people don’t know is I am really hard on myself. If I make mistake I chastised myself so much about it. There is always room for learning. And people around you at work can always help you get better no matter how they treat you.

4. LOVE. Since we’re talking about relationships, I felt like it would be cowardice to not talk about this one. I really don’t want to since among all kinds of relationships, this is the one I’m worst at. Either I love and care too deeply or I’ve been hurt so much I am so after to put my feet in the water that it tends to not work out. They say that loving someone involves getting hurt. And I know first-hand how true that can be. And that was why I also learned to take caution. But someone also said, loving someone cautiously is not loving at all. Hmm… too complicated noh? I’m with you there. There’s also that question, how do you really know if you met the one? I really have no answer. Like I said, this is one is what I’m worst. But still, I learned a thing or two from “all the boys I’ve loved before” (see what I did there?).  Here they are: (1) Loving someone means taking the risk of not getting loved back even if you give it your all. Time would come when you eventually have to admit defeat even if hoping would be easier. (2)Letting go is a process, but moving on is a decision. You can never really move on unless you decide that you have to and that you need to. (3) If a person wants to be with you, no miles or distance or time zones will get in the way. (4) When you say goodbye, mean it. I actually heard this a while ago in the grocery where a concert of Vice Ganda was being played. I remembered the words me and my friend used to say to each other back in college. “Kapag ex, ex na. Hindi na binabalikan.” And I think I silently observed this rule. She might have broken it about once or twice. But she’s happy now. And you may have observed that none of my learnings ended up in a happy ending. Just to be clear, it may not be a happy ending but that doesn’t mean that I’m not happy. ‘Cause one of the things that I also learned is that (5) I’d rather be alone than being with someone who will go running the other way at the first sign of trouble.

 I haven’t been into a lot of relationships. But the few that I’ve been through gave me enough lessons to hope that the next one might be better. It may not be much to some people but it taught me the difference between someone willing to give it a try, someone who wants to make it work, and someone who is looking for the first excuse to quit. I’m not closing my doors that true love may find me someday. I’m not also beyond looking for it myself. Who knows maybe my Mr. Right has a bad sense of direction and got lost in the way, right?

I have limited knowledge about relationships. But all the relationships that I have and had that I mentioned above, I value them and tucked within me the learnings that I gained through them. Above all. I thank the Lord above for this relationship I have with Him that has kept me sane, strong, patient, forgiving and loving all through the thick and thins of all the relationships that I have.

I’m running out of time. I have to have this up in my blog before my birthday ends. Since it’s already 9:38, I’ll have to end it here. Might have more to share one of these days. But since it’s already crunch time, here’s your birthday gal, signing off. I hope you enjoyed reading this year’s birthday blog from yours truly.

-vs092218

28×22: 28 Experiences That Will Stay with Me Forever

This will be the 6^th year since I started this tradition of writing a list of something once a year. And as the years go by, it’s getting harder to find topics I can make a list of and talk about. I don’t know what hit me that I ended up making this list because honestly, it scares the living daylights out of me. Much more than my normal lists, this one is almost like a confession. I might be revealing a bigger part of me than I normally do. Why did I say that? Because some of the things on this year’s list are things I have never told anyone before. Not a living soul, that is. My only consolation is that, nobody really pays attention to my blog posts so I’m still safe. Probably. At least, I’ll be able to keep up with my yearly ritual. So without further ado, let me start ‘listing’ 28 Experiences I’ll always remember (in no particular order).

1. Failing the CPA Board Exam when I was 22.

When I look back at it now, part of it was really hilarious than heartbreaking. You see, I don’t like other people seeing me cry. When I found out that I failed, my first thought was to go somewhere no one can see me crying. Guess where I went? The cinema. I paid for the movie that was showing right that instant and cried myself in the dark.

I was in a bout of depression after that. I didn’t really know I was depressed but looking at it now, I definitely was. I hate myself too much at that time and I can’t even pull myself to do something useful. In fact, I sleep at night wishing that tomorrow just won’t come. Pathetic, I know. Depression is a real thing. I even contemplated on suicide at some point but I guess I don’t want hell. That and I’m too coward to actually do it.

Sometime along those days, I had a huge fight with my sister. She told me really really mean and hurtful things which I know she really thinks about me. I was so hurt and angry I told my dad I’m going back to the city. I was partly running away. But it actually did me good. I was able to start anew and pull myself together.

2. Watching Shrek 2

This is partly the reason why I can’t forget #1. It was the movie in the cinema I paid for when I decided to cry myself in darkness. I didn’t know it was what the cinema was showing. Everyone inside the cinema were laughing their hearts out while I was crying. The funny part? There was a couple sitting right in front of me. And every time I sniff and blow my nose, the guy kept looking back at me. He must be thinking I was crazy. I can’t see his expression and I don’t really care that time, but I could feel that the girl was sort of annoyed.

3. Joining the school theater when I was in my junior year in high school

It was an amazing experience for me even if the memory was somehow tarnished by a couple of guys from my class who were such big emotional bullies. Man! They ruined my confidence big time. But then thanks to the guy from the theater who was not only good looking but a great morale booster as well I was able to pull myself through the night of our last performance. Too bad I can’t remember his name anymore.

4. When one of my high school teacher told my other high school teacher something bad about me.

This one happened by accident. I was going to the faculty office to clarify something with one of my teachers but before I entered I heard my name being mentioned so I did what most people do. I eavesdropped. Oh I was shocked. This teacher was always sweet and nice to me it really caught me off guard hearing her bad mouthing me to the other teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I am not so above myself to believe that everyone will like me. In fact the opposite is what always happened. But I just felt betrayed because I’ve been so genuine towards her with all my interactions with . I was really hurt hearing her talked that way about me. I don’t think I ever gave her a real smile after that incident.

5. Getting kicked out of the school paper when I was in grade school.

Our newspaper advisor got promoted and transferred to a different school. The new one and I, well not really new as she was my homeroom teacher, we don’t see eye to eye. We get on each other’s nerve. She doesn’t like me probably because I speak my mind too much which often times do not agree with her. I don’t like her because she always play favorite and give credit to people who don’t do real work and just kiss her ass. I was 12. And when I disagreed with her again, she told me that I can always quit if I can’t accept her terms. I quit. The really annoying part? All the articles that I wrote before I leave the paper, she put it there under someone else’s name and she didn’t even named me contributor.

6. Getting bullied in grade school.

I guess at this point, you can say that grade school is not a happy memory for me. I was bullied almost every day of my grade school life. I had this classmate who breaks any of my new stuff just because. Almost every guy in the class calls me name for their past time. It was terrible years for me. If I could ever go back to my past, I’ll definitely not go back to those years.

7. First Day of High School

All the firsts in my life made an impact that will forever be remembered. Beginning my high school life is one of those. Most kids who start high school are excited about it. You know, new environment, new friends, and maybe a sense of being older than what you really are. Me? I was scared. I was so scared I almost want to tell mom if it’s possible not to go. Grade school has been pretty traumatic for me but along the years I have learned to handle all of that. High School, well I felt like there’ll be bigger bullies since it’s a bigger school. And I don’t know if I can handle that. I was anxious from the time I took my exam to that time I step in school for the first day. It went well. Shocking I know. I put up my wall and pretend that if I know more than I really do, maybe my classmates will think I am someone they can’t mess with. It worked for quite some time. But that wall came back like a boomerang on me on my junior year causing me to deal with bigger bullies I dealt with in grade school.

8. Being named editor in chief in our high school newspaper

It’s not as exciting as any other event in my life. In fact I didn’t even expect to have it. I guess after what I experience from grade school I just tried not to expect that much anymore. But I remembered it well. Maybe because it proved me that I can be wrong about the people around me. I didn’t expect the people around me to be happy by that news either. But they were. Somehow, I felt like it was the good karma for what happened to me before.

9. Being bullied in high school

If I thought that being bullied at age 9 until 12 was bad, man! I was wrong. Being bullied when you are fifteen was a lot worse. I think it’s because looking back at it, I could tell myself that I was bullied before because my classmates were childish and that they don’t really know what they are doing. They are kids. But the same self-consoling can’t be applied when you are fifteen. You’re old enough to know if you are doing something wrong by then. And what hurts most was that these people who bullied me, they are the same people I put my lunch breaks and go home much later than usual after school just so I can help them understand physics and chemistry or trigo and algebra. They are the same people I wasted time making reviewers for just so I can help them improved their grades. And hearing them talk nasty shit behind my back and I mean literally behind my back, I felt so used and I felt so stupid for trusting the wrong people. And I hated myself for not learning from what I’ve experienced before and made a laughing stock of myself.

10. The guy who helped me regained my confidence when I was 15.

By now I guess it’s appropriate to say that I have the knack of meeting assholes in my life. By the time I was 15 I almost hate men. Almost because my best friend was a guy so I can’t totally just go hating all of them. But really, after being bullied in high school I don’t want to be in speaking distance with a guy except for my best friend. Then summer came and I met this guy. He was three years my senior. He’s not really tall, but dark and handsome. He was really good looking. Everyone in their circle of friend was. But I don’t like talking with boys and men at that point. But I could tolerate watching them. Because I love basketball. And this guy, he was just so nice and always has a smile for everybody. We didn’t really became friends. But every time I saw him he will always smile at me and tell me hello. Even if I try to pretend that I didn’t see him. And when there’s a chance he would even spend time making small talk with me and tell me jokes. Well, clearly, I had a crush on him even if I don’t want to. I guess it was destiny telling me that not all men are bad and that there are still men out there who could still be nice to me and treat me good even if I’m not beautiful and even if I can’t help them in their exams and home work. It must look like something so shallow but back then it was big deal to me. To someone whose confidence and trust in people was in the verge of shattering to nothingness, he came like a savior. And I will forever remember him for that.

11. When my mom told me to never cry when I had a fight with somebody

If I’ll rank my list, this will probably be number 1. I was 9. I went home crying because I had a fight from the school bullies. I didn’t remember what exactly happened in school. All I remember was that I wanted so bad to be home to tell my mom what happened. I was expecting her to console me and comfort me with her words and maybe a hug wouldn’t be bad too. But as I entered the door she was in hysterics asking me what happened so I told her. But the words of comfort and the hug didn’t come. She went on a roll nagging me why I didn’t fought back, and that why did I just cried. Her exact words, “Kapag inaway ka, awayin mo rin. Hindi ‘yong iiyak ka lang.” (When somebody fight you, fight back. Don’t just cry.) I was so upset after having that talk. No hugs. No comforting words. No telling me it’s okay. But when I grew up, those words have been my strength. Looking back at it reminds me that crying won’t get you anywhere. And that I should fight my battles and not let them win easily. To fight when I believe I’m right. It’s the same reason I don’t ever want other people to see my tears.

12. My first love.

Of course most of you who knows me knew that tragic story of my first love. It’s the usual I love him, he loves somebody else sort of thing. There was a point that I actually thought I could have a chance with him. But I got scared. And gave up. Then he found someone else. He’s happily married now. And I’m happy for him too. After everything that he went through, he deserves to finally have that happiness and more. I moved on. It took me a while. There was even a point where I wondered if I really ever will. Time flies, seasons change and you get to meet new people along the way. It wasn’t an easy journey but I guess time heals all wounds. Now I can go back through the memories without feeling sad or hurt about it.

13. My first boyfriend.

“I remember the boy, but I don’t remember the feelings anymore.” I guess this would be apt. I may not remember anymore that kind of feeling I had the first time I was in a relationship but I will forever remember that person I was with in it. He’s a great guy. He’s the first guy who ever made me feel beautiful and loved. But then I was young and I was afraid to make mistakes. I don’t really know how to handle a relationship back then. I let him go. And I guess I won’t really ever be able to return the kind of love that he has for me so it’s just right to let him go. Last I heard, he’s married now with one kid.

14. That guy who is now in that happy place

He’s probably the person in my life I never really told anyone about. It’s probably because we met in the most unconventional way and I’m afraid my friends would judge me on the way it happened so I never really had the courage to talk to people about him. Until now. The way I met him an accident. And I never even want to talk to him when I met him. Except that he was persistent. I guess he was bored and he probably thought it will be a great past time to annoy a stranger. But eventually I warmed up to him. He was six years older than me but it was not a problem for us to become really good friends. We even went to a couple of friendly dates. In fact the first time I experienced being on a date, friendly or otherwise was the first time we went out. We only had two because I was busy with studies and he was busy with work. He was in their family’s business. But we always talk on the phone. We never went beyond being friends. He was like my breather when school became too much and I guess I was the same for him when stress with work became too much for him. We were each other’s stress reliever. About a year after the last time we went out, he told me he’s going away. He said he’s going to visit his mom. I’m not really sure I believed him. We lost touch after that. Almost a year later when I’ve almost forgotten about his existence, my phone rang with his number on it. It was a day I’ll never forget. It was November 1 when I got that call. I thought the call was because he was back. But no. The person on the other line was his brother. And he called to tell me he was gone forever. And now that I’m writing this, I feel guilty. I realized I can’t remember his last name any longer. But to the guy who cheered me up when I felt that I can’t keep up with my classmates at school, or when I failed a test, got shamed on by my professor because I didn’t know the answer, the guy who was simply there when I needed someone to listen. Thank you. I may not remember your last name anymore but the rest of you is etched on my heart forever.

15. The people I met last year through PBB.

I never even thought that PBB could play a part in my life. It was a television show. But mutual love for this show had led me to meeting people whom I was able to share a part of myself not many people know. And it’s nice that despite being what I am, they have accepted me and became good friends who were there to listen and talk even if it’s not about the show anymore. They were the people who were there when times were tough and friends were too far. It was memorable too because it was where I learned that online tones can be easily misconstrued. Remember to use the smiley from time to time.

16. Meeting Rafael Rosell in person

All my friends and my family knows that I’m a huge Rafael Rosell fan. It’s been fourteen years now but I can still remember clearly how I became a fan. That’s why when I met him the first time in 2010, I was ecstatic. I wasn’t able to sleep that night. But I guess aside from that thrill and happiness of meeting that person you admired for so long, it became more memorable because of the friends I gained because of that night that I met him.

17. Attending a writing workshop at PHR

It was not really the workshop that got stuck with me but the people I met there. It’s the place where I met someone and became good friends with and I know that this person will always be there for me through thick and thin. If it weren’t for that workshop, I’m not sure we’ll ever cross path. And there are a couple more people I met from there that are now an important part of my life. Attending that workshop was like a milestone. It was also that workshop that made me realized how much I love to write even though I can hardly do that now.

18. My first day on my first job.

I was an accounting assistant on my first job. It was a lending company. I only stayed there for half a year but the experienced I gained from there felt like I worked there for years. It was a great experienced. The people there were nice too. If it weren’t for the fact that I can hardly feed myself with the salary I was getting, I’m probably still there. It was where I learned to deal with clients, collectors and officemates. It was where I learned what it feels to be a working girl. A working girls whose efforts on the job gets appreciated by the people around her.

19. My last day on my last job

My last job was a total opposite of my first job. From the position I was in up to the people around me, it was like two ends of a pole. I stayed for more than two years but looking back at it, it felt shorter. I have this notion that it’s the way God helps us through our battles. He makes the enjoyable feel longer even if they are short and the hellish ones feel shorter. Sometimes when I look back I wonder if I regret ever resigning from that position. I can’t deny I was receiving better salaries then. But man, the stress and depression it got me into was nothing but hell. I don’t smoke. But during that time that I was so stressed, I kind of realized why some people do. There was a point my stress level was bigger than me I feel like joining those people doing ‘yosi breaks’ wondering if popping out a smoke would take some of it off. Of course I didn’t. Aside from all the side effects and what not I’m allergic to it. But yes I survived. Some people may think I was a coward for handing in a resignation than enduring it all but I felt free after I did that. No more working the extra mile just so people could take credit for your work. No more dealing with asshole bosses, no more begging for something that should have been mine in the first place. If politics is bad enough, work politics is even worse. I don’t think I’ll ever want to be in that road again.

20. Getting my manuscript approved.

This is something I continue to struggle with and as long that I aspire to be an author, I would always have to deal with this. And I guess it’s okay. Out of 8 manuscript I have written I only had one approved and published. And it was such a great feeling I can still remember every bit of when it happened. If I need to get rejected another 8 times before I get that one approval, it’s worth it. It’s worth the struggle. Well, of course it would be better if I get less rejection and more approval. I guess what I’m really trying to say is, I’m still here and I won’t give up. It may be taking me longer time to write the next one but slowly, I’m getting back to that old me who get inspired and write just out of anything.

21. My Grandma’s Death.

My grandma’s (on my father’s side) death was not the first death in the family but it caused the most impact on me. First because I loved her very much and a lot of people do. Her death was not only our loss but a loss to a lot of people whose life was touched by her love and generosity. Second, as creepy as it sound, is because a few weeks before her death I’ve been dreaming that someone will die. It’s not the first time that it happened either. The difference was, my dream didn’t show me exactly who was dying. There was even a point that I thought it might be me. It was around Christmas. The dreams had me agitated and anxious. To let that feeling out, I made Christmas cards for all my family and friends and bought gifts for those I love dearly. I was thinking, if it’s me whose gonna die, at least they will know I love them. Two weeks before Christmas my grandma was hospitalized. I was the only one who wasn’t able to take care of her and I felt so bad. But she got through that and I said to myself, maybe the dream was false alarm even though that nagging feeling won’t go away. A week before Christmas and it’s vacation already. A flood broke out in my province. I can’t go home. There was a typhoon too. I badly want to be home. Dad said I need to wait because the ships are not making trips one almost sunk. I got more agitated. I want to insist on going home but then that dream, I felt like I’ll make it come true if I push through. I got home a few days later. I was safe. Everyone was too. I told myself again, false alarm. And Christmas came and was gone. I gave my grandma the card I made for her. She died the day after Christmas. Until now, I remember very well the things that transpired that night. But above all things, I will forever remember how even through her death she showed us how much life she had touched, how many people she inspired and that though she was gone her legacy and inspiration will continue to live on.

22. Getting Angry.

I feel it’s so wrong to talk about anger just right after talking about my grandma. Because I know she wouldn’t like what I’ll be saying next if she knew. But I’m running out of entries and this is what came to my mind. So… anger. I’m bad at handling anger. I’m vengeful and I keep grudges pretty well which is not pretty at all. But you know, I think God gave me the kind of patience that I have so I could compensate the way I handle my anger. I’m a very patient person. I don’t get angry easily. In all my years of existence I’ve only been angry four times. I still remember all of them well. I’ve healed for the other three event that it happened even though it took me a long while. The recent one was not so easy to forget, much more to forgive. And I realized that it’s even harder to forgive people who’s not even sorry. I’m trying, really but it is so hard. I know it’s wrong to keep that anger in me. It’s not healthy and it’s a sin. Hopefully by the grace of God, one of these days I’ll get there.

23. Family Trips.

My dad’s side of the family love going into trips. Since 2008, we had 3 family trips. That meant uncles, aunties, cousins and siblings all together in an out of town sort of family reunion. It was always so fun to spend time with them. I and my cousins practically grew up like siblings but there’s something on a trip that lets you get to know them more. My aunts and uncles too. I learned that there are some with anxieties with regards to travelling by sea or air. Some of them a little kill joy and mood killer at times, some can walk forever it was almost hard to keep up, some who are definitely the life of the journey. More than the wonderful place that we get to visit, the bonding moments are really priceless.

24. Walking the streets of Hong Kong alone.

It’s been in my bucket list to travel alone. And though I didn’t really planned on going to Hong Kong alone, it was self-satisfying to know that I manage a day in a foreign country all by myself. Of course, I had help from a few Filipino there with directions and instructions (I can’t read Chinese) but still I went from one place to another and explored the place with just me, myself and I. It’s not as fun when you travel with a friend with you. But since it’s on my bucket list, I felt like I achieved something when I did it. And thank goodness I didn’t get lost. Almost every Chinese I talked to started with “no engrish, no engrish!” and it was so hard to communicate with hand gestures.

25. My tutee.

When I was in college, I worked part-time as a tutor. One of the kids I was tutoring for was a high school student. I can’t remember his name. His size was thrice mine. But I remember him the most among those I tutored for. Maybe because he was the oldest among them and he was the only one bigger than I am among them. It made me feel accomplished that I was able to exercise authority to someone so much bigger than I am. And well the fact that I really helped improving his grades felt so good. That meant they didn’t waste money hiring me and that I know what I was doing.

26. Passing the Civil Service Exam

For some people passing the civil service exam may sound petty. Compared to board exams and some other exams, the civil service exam may not be as much as a big deal. However, after failing the CPA board exam, I felt like it would be utterly stupid of me if I failed this one too. Like I would really be a total loser if I did. Add to that the fact that every family member who took that exam passed it. The day after the exam, I failed so drained. I don’t know how it was no big deal, it was hard. For me it was. Maybe not as hard as the CPA board but those who told me it was easy was lying, deep within me I’m hoping I made it but I’m scared to checked the results too. That’s why I was so relieved that I passed.

27. The year I turned 20 and 23

Some people remembered their 18^th birthday the most. The day I turned 18 was no different than an ordinary day. I was even at work and had no time to celebrate it. But the year I turned 20 and 23, a very dear friend surprised me. When I turned 20, I decided to really celebrate it. I was so stressed with school and my thesis and the people I am with that time didn’t make it easier for me. When my birthday came, I decided to prepare something and invited a few friend. But I was so surprised when the number of people came were too much for the space that our little apartment could accommodate. 23 was a little different. It was my first week on my first job and I didn’t even remembered that it was my birthday. I came home to be surprised that my cousin prepared something for me. And that friend who surprised me before came with an ice cream and cake and another friend. It was one of the best birthdays I had.

28. TODAY.
    I’m supposed to list 28. There are more I can list down but I don’t really know how to express them in words. So I decided that the 28^th is a blank page. Today, I will fill it with another memory that I’ll never forget. It’s been a while but maybe I don’t need to wait to be thirty to celebrate that I am still alive. So instead of an experience, I give my thanksgiving. For this life, for all the blessings, for all the wonderful people in my life that multiplied that blessings and for you who have given me inspiration for the past year. And if anyone actually took time to read this, thank you! It doesn’t always happen but if ever it does, thank you for wasting some of your time to read something about me.

If you get to this point, that meant you were able to endure reading bits and pieces of the last 28 years of my life. I know I don’t exactly lead an exciting life. It’s pretty boring actually. But it was years full of learning for me. Thank you for staying and enduring the details of my life even though it would not benefit nor entertain you

~shy
9/22/15.

Reflections Vol. 4: 27 Things I Will (Should) Never Forget

For the past few years, writing something like this has been a ritual. Last year though I wasn’t able to so this year, I’m bringing it back. I keep putting off writing something for my blog’s Reflection Corner for a month now so decided to incorporate them, thus the title.

1. God created me (well, technically my parents did), and that’s a blessing.
2. Prayer and devotion is the most important meal of the day.
3. Mothers knows best, even if at times it doesn’t feel like it.
4. You are a human being, therefore be humane.
5. While there’s life, there’s hope. As long as you have hope, you have life.
6. It is not stupid to commit mistakes, but repeating them over and over is.
7. Before judging other people, try to walk first in their shoes.
8. Sharing is caring. But not everything is meant to be shared.
9. The words panaginip & pangarap means the same in English but not to me. (ctto: don’t remember who said it but it kinda stuck and I agree)
10. Money doesn’t equate happiness.
11. Problems should be faced and not be Facebooked.
12. It’s not about how you look, but how you see; Not about how your hear but how you listen.
13. Things go wrong so that you’ll be able to appreciate when they go right.
14. Writing is not easy. But it’s always the rock of comfort I’ll run to when all else fails.
15. You can never be truly alone if you can talk to yourself.
16. Every morning you wake up is a reason to be thankful.
17. Feeling is something you don’t play with.
18. Understanding and Agreeing are totally different thing.
19. Always say NEVER. Never lose hope. Never quit. Never lose faith. Never give up.
20. Positive thoughts can work magic. You only got to try. And trust.
21. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and life is a matter of perspective.
22. Confidence gives us courage. Courage gives us strength. You should never go out on a battle without it.
23. Fight for what you believe is right even if you have to fight alone.
24. If you want to change, do it for yourself and not for other people.
25. Being older doesn’t always mean being right. Sometimes, you have to see things in the eyes of a child to truly understand.
26. You’re voice online doesn’t have a tone. Never underestimate how even a simple BRB can be misunderstood.
27. Decisions should not be made when you’re angry.

shyunique09
9.22.14

27 Facts About Me

Since it’s supposedly my Birthday today according to my birth certificate, let me post something about myself. Technically this is a repeat post since I posted something alike a few years back. This is, however, viral stuff on Facebook so I’m doing a cross-post here with a few additions.

Without further ado… Here are 27 Facts About Me

1. I AM A DREAMER. I list down the things that I wanted to become, I wanted to have, places I want to go, etc. Last I check, my list has now doubled from when I first wrote this and I ticked about just three of them off. Yeah, that made me feel like I’m such a loser.

2. MATARAY. The first impression most people have on me. I guess I am. You can add suplada and maldita to the list too.

3.THOUGHTFUL(daw).Well, I know I’m not a kind person. that’s one word I would never associate with myself but I do know how to care for and appreciate people who matter to me.

4. LOYAL. This one pertains to me being a friend and a fan. I don’t easily become either. But once I do, I stay true. For always. Believe that you can count on me no matter what.

5. Okay.. the next one is something I’m not really proud of but it’s a very distinct character of mine. I’m pretty good at holding grudges. It takes a whole lot before I get angry and before my patience wears off but when I do, I don’t easily forgive either. but hey! I’m trying my best to change. And by the grace of God, I know in due time, I will.

6. BULLIED. I was always the center of bullying when I was in grade school and high school. Recently I met someone who just made me realize how this thing affected my character. But well, that’s been ages ago and I actually want to thank the people who did that to me. Because of them, I am tougher than how I look.

7. CLOSET BIPOLAR. I dunno if there is such a thing, but now I’m telling you guys that there is. hahaha! Dear folks and friends, it’s high time you know that I’m actually crazy. Though some of you probably know that already. Others have seen how it worked and some of you guessed that I am. Don’t worry though… pretty much I am just crazy, not insane.

8. I have two birthdays. Sometimes I forgot which one should I use in signing documents.

9. I am a FRUSTRATED EVERYTHING… writer, painter, photographer, artist, and what have you.

10. I LOVE SINGING and music. the problem is, music in any form doesn’t seem to like me. I am the worst person anyone could ask to sing. That is why nobody dared to. lol!

11. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT JAPAN. I have this belief that I was Japanese in my past life even if my eyes would negate that. But then my twin from my past life has to be Japanese too for that to be a fact. (Hi, Kambal Cherry Anne, so what do you think? ) If not in my past life, I’m sure I am in my next one.

12. A POSITIVE PERSON. I am positive in almost everything as much as me being frustrated with everything.

13. I don’t like having “what ifs”. Like what I’ve read a few days ago, regret is such a pointless emotion, and I agree.

14. I AM RAFAEL ROSELL FAN. He is my first celebrity crush and that was way before he even became a celebrity- or at least he was not yet a celebrity actor then. And we just turned 13 years last August. Hahaha! And yeah, that’s our little secret. So please… ssshhhhhh!

15. BOOKS MAKE ME HAPPY. Well, movies do too. But if you want to interest me, talk about books and I’ll be on the roll. I really love reading. I don’t even have a favorite genre, it only has to be interesting.
16. BARKING DOGS AND LIGHTNING. They are two things I am really really afraid of.

17. I hate cats as much as I hate backstabbers and Tupperware people.

18. I’m not really into sweets, but I love dark chocolates, truffles, mango cheesecake ice cream from DQ, blueberry cheesecake (or even just cheesecake), pizza, lasagna, and pretty much anything that got cheese on it. But no, I believe I’m not a cheesy person.

19. I LOVE TO WRITE. I am a wannabe writer although lately, my writing took a different form. If I am not lazing around though, I find myself trying to finish a novel until the wee hours of the night or morning. Hopefully, I’ll be done with it soon and more hopefully it’ll end to be somethin’ good.

20. I Hate the taste of ketchup in the morning. Fried Spam. Hotdogs, Sausages, and eggs, all taste better with ketchup. But for some reason, my stomach can’t handle the taste of ketchup in the morning.

21. I’m an OLD SOUL. I’ve always thought older than my age. Most of the time, I felt like I was born in the wrong era. Hahaha! That’s why I have lots of friends that are way older than me too. I even love classic movies, novels, and songs. Yeah, definitely born in the wrong generation.

22. I LOVE THE SMELL OF PAPER. In this generation where e-stuffs are everywhere, I’d say that still, nothing will beat the smell of books new or old. That smell of paper is just pure awesomeness. Not just books though, stationaries (that also seem to be outdated now) notepads, etc.

23. Hate Late. That sounds like a pizza ad but it’s true. I hate being late. When I have an appointment and I know I’m running late, my stress level rockets to the moon. I hate cramming too.

24. Straightforward. I’m an opinionated person and I tend to say my thoughts out loud. You can see me ranting about my general opinions on social media but when it concerns a person, I tell it straight on their face. I don’t sugarcoat stuff. When I became a working girl though, I found out that not all people like that. They’d rather be lied to and talked to behind their back than hear the truth. Well, not from me. And I expect people to be the same towards me.

25. I love sunsets, sunrise, and the stars. Every time I see the sunrise, I am reminded of God’s blessing of a new day, sunsets on the other hand remind me that whatever it is I am going through, it shall pass too. That and the beautiful scenery that sunrise and sunsets bring that just bring a different calmness within me. And though I only know a couple of constellations, there’s a beauty in watching the stars on a moonless night that just shows how great the Lord above is.

26. I love the beach. There’s a snag though about me loving the beach… I don’t know how to swim. It is ironic because I live in a place where there are a lot of beaches. I tried learning to swim, I really did but every time I do, I end up drowning. So far the sake of having a longer life, I stopped trying.

27. OBSESS WITH LIST. I have a list of my dreams, a list of my book collections, and my cd collections. I love to jot down stuff and they end up to be something’s list, like this one you just finished reading right now.

Well, that’s all folks.

Signing off for the night,
vs0922

Jumbled Thoughts: Reflections of the Week Vol. 3

Lately, there’s about a couple of friends who asked why I don’t blog anymore and said that they are waiting for the next one. I didn’t know that there are people who actually read them and waste time on my shared thoughts. Hahaha! So now here I am. I don’t really know how to say it because lately my head is in a big mess of confused and jumbled thoughts. There are however a few things that can’t be left unsaid, so I’m bringing back my reflections corner. Here’s a few things I reflect upon when I looked back on the last few weeks…

1. Whatever was said and shared confidently in private should remain with confidence in private.
2.Problems shared are half solved. The another half have to be acted upon or ignore it until the problem die a natural death.
3. There’s a comfort in confiding to a stranger, that because they don’t know you there wouldn’t be judgement, but just an ear to listen.
4.But yeah, maybe not all strangers will do that, well at least they don’t really know you and you can just say you don’t care and brush it off as an experience.
5. It’s still best to trust your instinct when it comes to who to trust and who to … Hate? Nah, just people who not to get too comfortable with.
6. Again, I’ve proven that time is not the test of true friendship. Trials are.
7. Friends are essential part of your being. It’s easier to walk the extra mile knowing they are there, ready to help you up when you fall.
8. Loosen up. Once in a while it’s good to just let yourself go with the flow. A little fun and a little goofing around is good for you.
9. It’s nice to know that I can still shock people.
10. Paasa. I so hate that word. We have control over our lives. It’s not someone else’s fault if you cling with hope over something.
11. I like people who are passionate over their dreams, goals and ideals. Because I am.
12. Moving on might be a decision, but letting go is a process.
13. Leaving the past where it belong doesn’t mean never looking back. Opening your door to both the past and the future and seeing them without the pain, and sadness that was there once was actually a refreshing experience.
14. Maturity doesn’t come with age (but with experience). So is being ‘cool’.
15. Your words are like double edge word. Be careful of what your lips utter. Or in another case, what your hands will type in the keyboard.
16. Accepting your weakness is where you begin to find your strengths.
17. Never under estimate the effect of the Super Moon to your sanity.
18. There are things you can’t share without ending up liking each other and forming an inevitable bond of friendship.
19. Some things are not meant to be shared.

20. Technology is both a blessing and a curse.

21. The human brain and emotion is still the most fascinating subject to analyze and discuss. And politics would be next.
22. Yeah, not many people will agree with that last one and just regard me as boring.

Well, this is probably my longest self reflection thus far. You probably agree some, smile some, shook your head some… I just wish  you didn’t fell asleep. That’s all for now folks.

~valerie shyne~

vs71514

Reflections of the Week Vol. 2

Since I can’t blog much and I don’t know what to blog either, I’m here again for my week’s reflection which is suppose to be posted last week but I forgot. Lets see….

1. I just learned recently that there is such a thing as “amoy office” pala. When i came home the other week my cousin told me, “ate ang bango mo naman”. me: mabango? ano bang amoy ko? my cousin answered. “Amoy office.” don’t ask me though what kind of smell that is ‘coz i don’t know either.

2. Discipline is a habit. It just a matter of getting used to doing it and you’ll be able to even when no one tells you.

3.Gentlemen these days are endangered specie.

4.I discovered a new accent in the english language.. the Tagalog accent. and well, it sound a bit weird. And i guess, a month or two and I’ll be singing the same tune.

5. Your attitude and upbringing could help you do your job better. Like I for example doesn’t like waiting that much. Because of that I really try my best to not make those people who are in need of my service wait.

6.Disclaimer for the above: but no matter how hard you try the one above, there are still people who are very stubborn; people who at your bad mood could make you really feel annoyed.

7. Not all people have patience to teach. there are two people in our office that i find really commendable. when you ask about something you don’t know how to do, they patiently explain it. not just to plainly answer your question but to make everything about it clear enough.

8. when you’re all dizzy and sleepy, you could forgot that you are not allowed to speak tagalog and pay 3 pesos.

9.Will is the only thing you needed to be able to do want you wanted.

10. If your piss off at somebody, and you can’t hold your thoughts yet don’t wanna hurt anybody, you can just shut your mouth up, concentrate in whatever it is you’re doing, scream all the words you wanted to say in your mind as if she can hear you and soon.. you’ll find yourself calming down. believe me, it worked.

11. hmm. i forgot the next thing that i should be saying.. so i guess some other time…

signed_vs_100810

Reflections of the Week

-multiply.com content posted 091710-

Reflections of the week

Sep 17, ’10 7:06 AM for shy’s contacts

I haven’t blog about anything at long for quite sometime now, so i decided to drop by before my account gets forgotten.. again.hmm…

1. Mahirap mag-work, pero masaya, something you can call as self-fulfillment.

2. Inspirations can be found everywhere. Kahit sa gitna nang nag-a-arguento at nag-aaway na mga tao.

3. Pwede mong takbuhin mula Ayala Realty (katabi nang POEA) hanggang Jolibee Plaza sa loob nang 10 minutes kung ayaw mong ma-late.. and yeah yan ay dahil nasiraan ang bus.

4. dapat pala paghandaan mo ang maaring pagkasira nang bus dahil maari itong mangyari araw-araw.

5. Kapag 9:00 ang start nang work mo, late ka na kapag 9:01 ka dumating pero hindi kung dadating ka nang 9:00 and 59 seconds

6.It’s a good feeling when people look beyond your physical appearance and believe your worth something beyond that.

7. You have to speak in english when the clock strikes 1 o ‘clockpm or else you would be paying five peso for every tagalog word spoken.

8. Being careful is important, especially when you’re preparing a cheque or else be ready for the 3rd world war with a client.

9. When someone is saying that you have to stop what you’re doing, you should listen even if you love doing that thing so much. it’s because that person might not be really putting you down nor discouraging you. they are merely helping you face the reality you didn’t want to accept.

10. I thought people who turn away with their dreams are losers, weak, I was wrong. because i’ve learned that it’s harder to turn your back on something you love. it will take you enormous effort to do so. sometimes it’s even easier to give it another try than to forget all about it but then you have to be strong and face the music. Life goes on and you must too.

11. Accepting a fact is hard specially when you have been in denial for quite sometime. But when you do, you will be able to take  even the bad outcomes lightly without feeling a hint of bitterness.

12. Letting go and Letting God is an important part of facing your struggles.

signed_vs91710