July has always been a hard month for me for four years now. Especially this week. I almost always get depress every time this time of the year has arrived. And today is no different. Have you ever felt happy and sad at the same time? Thinking about things you want to regret but not really? Hoping you could bring back yesterday but also know deep down that it’s not going to change so having today as it is is better?
I’m feeling all of that. And more.
I know I promised I will be okay, I’ll work on getting better without you. And I know it’s been a slow process but if you could see me now you’ll be proud that I somehow did. I hope you are. Yet, I find that I still can’t help but cry every time I remember this day. And I just realized that reading a book with an emotional roller coaster inside is not helping me. I don’t know if you’re playing tricks on me but I seem to always pick the wrong book at this time of the year. I even wonder if it’s your way of making sure I remember.
But then I know you. I know you know I’ll never forget. And I know you’ll want me to be happy as I remember. I didn’t know how to do that before. But since last year, when you’ve sent some people (of course I want to believe that it’s your doing) to help me learn how to remember without hurting, made today better and easier than before. I may not be totally there yet, but I’m learning to let it go.
I guess, I just want to let it all out. And maybe pretend for a while that you are there listening while I rant how there’s always a gloomy weather on your birthday. Today’s not any different. There’s a storm brewing and lots of rain. I could almost see you teasing me because you know how I hate it. Though I can say that today, I appreciate it. And also let you know that I have found something new to have and hold which I’m sure you’ll approve. And that I miss you with a bit of sadness and without the heartache. And that I’m happy even if today I’m a bit blue. But I’m generally happy and I hope you are too.
All that rant and disorganized thoughts probably made you crazy.
Thank you. There may be a lot of things I wish I did but didn’t and vice versa. But I know one thing will always remain true. That I’m thankful to Him for you. For sending you my way in this lifetime. You’ll always be a special part of my life.