Last Day and New Beginnings

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Today officially marks my last day as an IBMer. Per official record though, it’s not until the 27th. Ang galling, I spent exactly two years in the company.

Kapag binabalikan ko ang mga araw, parang ayaw kong maniwala na natapos ang dalawang taon ng ganon-ganon lang. Ang bilis! Limang buwan lang ako doon sa una kong trabaho, pero pag binabalikan ko yun, pakiramdam ko tumagal ako doon ng taon. Which made me came up with a conclusion. Ganoon kabait ang Diyos. HE gives us the good days and makes them feel like a lifetime and HE gives us bad days, but He carries us through so that we won’t feel the burden of those bad days. God is always with us, mostly during the times that we are in the crucible.

At least, ganoon ko nakikita ang nakaraang 3 taon ng buhay ko. Grabe, tatlong taon ang dumaan lang na parang kisap mata at heto pa rin ako. Nothing change much. Malayo pa rin ako sa mga bagay na gusto kong marating at hindi ko pa rin naabot iyong mga bagay na gusto kong abutin. Pero wala na rin naman ako sa lugar kung saan ako nakatayo tatlong taon ang nakakaraan. Maaring konti lang ang inihakbang ko. Maikli lang iyong distansyang narating ko. Pero sa loob ko, alam ko malaki ang nagbago.

Learning is never an easy process. That so much is true. Hindi ko kailanman inakala na dahil sa trabaho ay iiyak ako. And the past one and a half year was like being put in a crucible. Alam ko, nanawa na ang mga friends kong marinig ang mga rants ko. Pero sa kabila nang lahat ng iyon, kung babalik ako, isa lang ang babaguhin ko. Nonetheless, lahat ng nangyari ay ipinagpapasalamat ko. Maraming bagay akong natutunan at natuklasan. Mas nakilala ko ang sarili ko. Higit sa lahat, nakita ko kung hanggang saan ang hangganan ng aking pasensya.

Naging masaya din naman ako. Maraming pagkakataon, na maaring natabunan na lang noong maraming pangit na nangyari. Pero hindi ko nakakalimutan na maraming pagkakataon din naman akong naging masaya. At sa pag-alis ako, iniisip ko kung ano ang nararamdaman ko.

The moment I hand in my resignation, the first thing that I felt was freedom. Hindi ko alam na sa kulang dalawang taon pala ay naikulong na ako nang sama ng loob at disappointment na naranasan ko. Ugly things are heavier to bear. It takes extra strength. At hindi ko pala namalayan na sa mga nakalipas na huling buwan eh un na lang iyong nakapalibot sa akin. Ang hirap palang magdala ng pangit na emosyon. I was stressed, hormonally imbalanced and there was even a point I was so depressed. It was like going in circles. Never ending, but the circle is getting bigger so it was more tiring to do the rounds.

Then slowly, I felt the burden lifting up. Doon ko rin lubusang nakita ung mga bagay na nakaya kong tiisin. For the past 2 years I felt na wala nang silbi ang ginagawa ko. Then I am happy. Sa wakas, pwede na akong magsimula ulit. Pakiramdam ko dati mahirap gawin. Well, mahirap naman talaga. Pero hindi imposible. At kahit mahirap kaya ko pa rin.

Now I am sad. A bit. Kasi may mga bagay at tao pa akong maiiwan. Mga tao na nagbigay halaga sa dalawang taong ipinaglaban ko. One of my colleagues told me the other day, “I believe that position is not something you have to beg for. You have to earn it.” That’s why it feels like shit knowing that they didn’t see all my efforts. I never wanted to come to the point of begging for it when I know that I rightfully earned it, that’s why I know I made the right choice. Nakakalungkot lang na hindi nila nakita yon. I spent 2 freakin’ years doing my best and walking the extra mile just for nothing. I believe I deserve better. Pero mahirap humukbang kung ang mga nasa paligid mo ay pilit na hinihila ka pababa. It was extra sad, when someone very dear said, “I hope I could do something to make you stay. Nonetheless, I wish you will find a company that will give you the value you deserve and let you grow.” Yes, somehow, hearing her say that redeemed my two years of effort.

Para sa akin, I didn’t actually quit. For quitting is different. Hindi ko naman tinapos ang paglalakbay ko. Nandito pa rin ako. I simply took a pause, made a left turn and probably did a U turn. But no, I never quit. I didn’t lose either. Maraming bagay akong natutunan. The most important of which are: First impression is not always correct. You must always have faith in people. And most of all, you must always have faith in yourself. Sounds familiar? That’s actually a line from a Reese Witherspoon movie. But yes, I feel exactly that way. And it’s only now that I truly understand what it meant.

Maraming bagay akong kailangang isipin when I have made my decision and the things I spent worrying turned out to be things I need not worry. I guess I have put less faith on the people I should have put more faith. Gusto ko ring pasalamatan ang lahat ng nangyari sa akin dahil binuksan nito ang pinto para makilala ko ang mga tao sa paligid ko. The support that came in right after was overwhelming. I can’t help feeling touched.

Alam ko, posibleng mangyari uli ang ilang bagay na pinagdaanan ko sa hinaharap. Pero ngayon, mas alam ko na ang gagawin. More than that, I am now much stronger than I was before. Sa pag alis ko, gusto kong kalimutan ang mga hindi magandang bagay: Anger, disappointment, irritation, at baunin ang mga bagay na natutunan ko at nagpasaya sa akin, mga taong naging malapit sa akin. People who have made me feel worthy, beautiful and cherished. And in spite of everything, when time would come that I have to look back, I want to say that I am proud that once in my life, I was an IBMer.

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About shyunique

accountant by profession, a dreamer by heart, and a frustrated artist by nature ___________________________________________________________________________________ The only thing that stands between a person and what they want in life is the will to try and the faith to believe it's possible.

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